I Lost Myself And Everything Made Sense

It was me the whole time.

Photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash

I’ve tried everything.

EVERYTHING.

I’ve been meditating for almost 4 years now. I’ve tried going off social media. I’ve tried fasting. Journaling. Therapy. Yoga. Breathwork. Going full vegan mode. Manifesting. Spending time in nature all by myself. Self-help books and nothing else. Connecting with animals. No relationships.

I even stopped listening to music at one point, just to see if I could make all the thoughts and questions just… quiet down a little bit.

No words, nothing happening. Just me, myself, and I. And it felt good. I felt complete. I felt at peace.

But sometimes it felt like everything I’ve done and “built” was… just an illusion. I convinced myself that DOING is the path to BEING.

“What now?”

“What is the next step?”

“What should or shouldn’t I do if I want…?”

“What should I do next to become even more enlightened?”

Um… say that again?! That was a big mistake. Huge one.

I’ve spent so many days, months, even years trying to figure it out. I will never be able to do that… I’m not some Tibetan monk who’s devoted his entire life to attaining Nirvana and being a good example to the rest of the world.

I didn’t know how to do that and I needed to stop pretending in front of myself and everyone else that I did.

What I needed to do was to stop doing anything. I needed to let go. I had to give up and let whatever invisible force do its thing, without me getting in the way all the time, believing that was the right thing to do.

I love this saying: Moving through life is like sitting in a restaurant, you can pick anything you want from the menu (The World), but you are so insistent and annoying about getting it, that you don’t give the waiter a chance to go and order it to the Chef.

All my life I’ve been trying to figure out why things happen. Good or bad. I just needed some rational and simple explanations as to why life is the way it is. Why was I feeling so out of place all the time?

Years later, all I was left with was my desperate attempt to change something. Anything.

And then it hit me.

I needed to stop interfering. I needed to stop asking questions. Before I just thought I knew how to sit back and observe my feelings, my actions, and the events in my life.

But nothing lasts forever. Good or bad. And that was the breakthrough I needed to shut up my mind and wake up my soul.

We humans love to give names to everything. If we can name it, we can address it, therefore we can deal with it. Emotions have names, thoughts have names, and even actions have names. Our pets have names. But I was missing the most important one which I needed in order to accept myself and be the best I can be, whatever that means.

I didn’t have any special, one-of-a-kind significant problem. I was going through the same things the trees and the planets were going through.

What I had was a human condition.

This is it. Nothing more, nothing less. No need for unnecessary questions, no need for false answers.

As it is written in one of my all-time favorite books:

“Express yourself completely,
then keep quiet.
Be like the forces of nature:
when it blows, there is only wind;
when it rains, there is only rain;
when the clouds pass, the sun shines through.

He who defines himself
can’t know who he really is.

Trying to control the future

is like trying to take the master carpenter’s place.

When you handle the master carpenter’s tools,

chances are that you’ll cut your hand.”

“Tao Te Ching” by Lao Tzu, translated by Stephen Mitchell

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There are some unquestionable universal laws in Nature, of course, but other than that, I have no idea how the world works and I am okay with that now. They say that attachment equals suffering. I’ve learned that assuming equals suffering too.

Be okay with not knowing. Let go of expectations, let go of “right or wrong”, let go of forcing and action.

Who knows? Maybe the way we keep trying is standing in the way of actually finding The Way.

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If you read this far, thank you! If you feel like you’ve lost track, just take a deep breath. Human potential is immeasurable. We should be able to teach ourselves how to accept “losing and winning” in life. Be grateful for everything, I believe you will get there, wherever that is!